mitch hedberg quotes via
"What’s the worst possible thing you can call a woman? Don’t hold back, now.
You’re probably thinking of words like slut, whore, bitch, cunt (I told you not to hold back!), skank.
Okay, now, what are the worst things you can call a guy? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy. I’ve even heard the term “mangina.”
Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up."
Jessica Valenti (via weshouldtotallyjuststabcaesar)
To paraphrase E.B. White, the perfect sentence is one from which nothing can be added or removed. Every word plays its part. In my more giddy moments I think that a simple comic strip featuring Calvin, a preternaturally bright six year-old, and Hobbes, his imaginary tiger friend, features some of the most lucid sentences committed to print. And when I sober up, I usually think exactly the same.
Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes ran between 1985 and 1995. His comic strip managed to infuse wondering (and wandering) on a cosmic scale into an ageless world of lazy Sunday afternoons, snow goons, and harassed babysitters. I’m not saying that you should take moral and philosophical guidance from the inventor of Calvinball (a game that runs on chaos theory), but you could do much worse.
So here, in no particular order, is a selection of quotes that nail everything from the meaning of life to special underwear. Enjoy.
On life’s constant little limitations
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.
Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
On why we are scared of the dark
Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
On the unspoken truth behind the education system
Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
On the cruel reality of commercial art
Hobbes: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.
On the tragedy of hipsters
Calvin: The world bores you when you’re cool.
On the tears of a clown
Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
Calvin: (after a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
On the falling of sparrows (or providence’s lack of a timetable)
Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
On why winter is the cruellest of seasons
Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
On the gaping hole in contemporary art’s soul
Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
On playing Frankenstein with words
Calvin: Verbing weirds language.
On realising God is more Woody Allen than Michael Bay
Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
On why ET is real
Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
On looking yourself in the mirror
Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?
On the future
Calvin: Trick or treat!
Adult: Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak. Am I scary, or what?
On the truth
Calvin: It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy…Let’s go exploring!
"I’ve actually slowed down. I use a trick I learned from Dick Giordano decades ago; He said to use a clock. Decide how long it takes to do a page, for example I commit to inking a page in an hour. So, you start the page exactly on the hour, say 1:00. Start inking the IMPORTANT stuff first, in order of importance; characters, key props like guns or cars. At some point you will look at the clock and realize 45 minutes have passed, and you’re nowhere near finishing. Spend the last 15 minutes painting everything else black, making silhouettes. This actually has the effect of making the fully inked key elements pop! It simplifies the layout, makes it stronger and easier to read. For color, I color 5-10 pages simultaneously, doing all the blues on every page, then all the reds, then yellow, white, etc. Always with an eye on the clock."
With 4 ongoing comic series in my life, I will have to try this.
Being the prolific procrastinator I am, AND a student, I should learn to do this.
"Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake."
Jeanne Ray (via shetakesflight)
Im really feeling love for cake today.
"The worst part about anxiety attacks, is that you’re aware it’s irrational and sometimes unexplainable, but knowing that gives no aid what so ever. In most cases it deepens the anxiety as you realise “if I know it’s irrational, why can’t I stop it… Oh god I can’t stop it” you begin to believe you are no longer in control of your mind. That. That is fear."
Ami Desu (via suggahiccup)
When I was working on the movie, we had a scene with some fire trucks. My house burned down last year, and while fire trucks were a positive thing to have around at that time, seeing them now is a reminder of that very terrible time. 9/10 times, I’m okay with fire trucks, but seeing one right in front of me, lights flashing, not passing by but parked in that spot for hours, sirens blaring, I had a panic attack. I started shaking and my eyes started watering. The director asked me if I was okay and as I tried to explain, I burst into uncontrollable tears. But it was like I was watching myself do this from ten feet away. There was some part of me rational enough to think “You shouldn’t be crying right now, nothing is on fire, you know this, you have work to do,” and I even said to the director “this is so weird, I don’t know why this is happening,” as he gave me a hug and let me lay down in the van for the rest of the shot. It’s still so weird to think about, like my body got hijacked. Anxiety is weird.
Yeah pretty much the most horrifying part of a panic attack is the 30 seconds while you’re still “normal” before you actually have it and you know it’s coming and you panic all the more trying to will it not to happen or very quickly laugh it off or make it stop or escape, but nothing works and it happens anyway. Seeing that loss of control coming and not being able to do anything to stop it shatters me.
I had a brief period of horrifying anxiety attacks when I had a really bad cold, and coughing triggered it because I was afraid of suffocating. It was pretty terrifying.
Betty Dodson opens the gray door of her Madison Avenue apartment and looks me up and down. “Hello, Amazon,” she says, then offers to make me a drink. The 83-year-old sex activist is known for being direct, brassy, and unabashed in her language; during our 45-minute interview, she uses the word “fuck” 17 times. The apartment where the legendary author of Sex for One leads masturbation workshops is very clean and sparse—Dodson’s 20-something live-in boyfriend Eric moved out a few years ago. While still devoted to the physicality of life, in the past decade Dodson has discovered the thrill of the internet. Her main joy these days comes from answering teen’s sex questions on her website, speaking without censorship or media filters for the first time in her life. Over vodka cocktails in her quiet home office, she talked about womanhood, religion, and the fake orgasms of the sexual revolution.
TWO WORDS: HONESTY AND LUBE.
Honesty is never natural. We all want to cop a plea or skirt the issue.
I came to New York to be an artist and I tried to do the whole marriage thing and the monogamy thing and the sex was lousy. I didn’t want to have a family and my husband agreed and then as soon as we got married, changed his mind. Everyone was having children and [long, angry sigh] it’s hard to be different. Back then, I was much more traditional. To break these rules and deal with your family and friends—everyone’s got a very strong opinion on how to live your life.
I never had the desire to have kids. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be an artist. I did not want to be a wife and I did not want to be a mother. I helped my mother raise my little brothers and I saw what her life was like. Thankless. Oh my God.You want to talk about the most important job in the world? Raising a child. And we treat it like shit.
He finally came home one night, it was my birthday, we were having dinner at my favorite Japanese restaurant, and he said, “Oh I don’t know how to tell you something.” And I said, “What?! Spit it out!” And he said, “I fell in love with my secretary.” And I said, “What? Just fuck her! Have an affair!” I thought that would be good because it would get him turned on. He was terrible in bed, a premature ejaculator. But every once in a while, he could fuck like a dream. It would be better to have it always bad or always good, but to have it be mostly bad and sometimes good, ugh. I would say to my therapist—I was in therapy—I’d say, “It’s a breakthrough! We’re having our breakthrough moment!” And then, nope, back to the preemie.
And of course, I was inhibited as much as he was. Oral sex? Nope. Manual sex? Nope. But sneaky masturbation, that got me through marriage.
I left a fabulous art career. I was good, I had two successful art shows. And the next thing my mother knows is I’m running masturbation workshops? My mom, she lives out in Wichita, she says, “Betty Ann, have you lost your mind? What do you mean they don’t have orgasms? That’s absolutely natural.” It was natural for her, she was orgasmic.
There’s a whole other aspect to that—my father was not circumcised. It’s a whole different fuck when you’re with an intact man. The foreskin is moist, it keeps the whole glans sort of satiny and soft, they can glide, not do the friction fuck. Don’t forget to use lots of lube. Lube! Lube is the number one sex toy in America as far as I’m concerned. I would never have sex with anyone without additional lubrication.
YOU CAN’T FIX YOUR HAIR DURING A GENUINE ORGASM
I was part of the sexual revolution. I was going to sex parties and watching people have orgies and WHOA. The women were all faking orgasm and the men were all cumming. It was very clear to me. The women were all [Betty launches into a flamboyant physical reenactment of an orgy] “Uh! Uh!” then fixing their hair and the men were all [thrusting] “UHUH!” The women were all frilly and fluffy and concerned about how they looked. It was not acceptable. Absolutely not acceptable. It was so unfair! For the guys to be cumming and for the women not to be. They had no idea what an orgasm is or how to have one. And it starts with masturbation.
I got involved in the feminist movement and then I found out the feminists didn’t want to deal with sex either. Still don’t.
I want women to have independent orgasms. I want them to understand their bodies. I don’t want them to go out into the world and let some well-meaning but stupid little jackass who doesn’t know what they’re doing fuck ‘em. Teen pregnancy! They don’t have any information. We send our little girls out into the marketplace totally unarmed, totally helpless. They don’t have information, they don’t have birth control, they’re drenched in stupid ass religion!
Right now, we have a whole slew of teenagers coming up the pike who have been raised on abstinence only. And they are fucking. They are having sex. And it’s penetration sex—they’re either giving blowjobs or taking it up the ass.Making the man happy and not having anything for yourself? That’s as ancient as the Bible.
It’s gotten worse since the sexual revolution. We went into this religious mode. Look at Bush and company. We’re still carrying on with the religious freaks. I’m really down on religion.
I don’t talk too much about it, but I honor the goddess of sexual love and abundance, and I’m an atheist. I respect the ancient religion, back when we had things worth worshipping: sex, life, and celebration. It’s the stuff that was never written down, but if you go back and look at the art, she’s there, she’s everywhere. We are the power. We give birth. And boy does that piss mankind off. Damn!
"You think fairy tales are only for girls? Here’s a hint - ask yourself who wrote them. I assure you, it wasn’t just the women. It’s the great male fantasy - all it takes is one dance to know that she’s the one. All it takes is the sound of her song from the tower, or a look at her sleeping face. And right away you know - this is the girl in your head, sleeping or dancing or singing in front of you. Yes, girls want their princes, but boys want their princesses just as much. And they don’t want a very long courtship. They want to know immediately."
- David Levithan and Rachel Cohn.
Last night I tweeted “Why are there no fairy tales with the prince being rescued?” and today I found the answer.
“They say that depression isn’t something shown on the outside, as people who are depressed usually seem bright on the outside but feel depressed when they’re alone. I think it’s more important to care for those who are trying harder than normal to look positive, instead of those who say outright, “I’m lonely”.”
— Kim Jaejoong, talking about suicide
"next time someone tells me they believe in God, I’ll say “Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?…” If they say “Just God. I only believe in the one God,” I’ll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don’t believe in 2,870 gods, and they don’t believe in 2,869."
Ricky Gervais (via courtneylb)